Nothing is what I long to feel
no anger, no sadness
nothing that’s real,
a break from emotions
just for a day,
a break from these feelings
that wont go away
I am so tired of being lost
I’m exhausted from being alone
I am so tired of being angry
I just want to be still like a stone
A rest from this constant
feeling… just that
a break from emotions
just for a day.
They don’t seem to stop
they invade my dreams
they hurt every part
of my life.
Oh how simple it must be
to be emotion free
to have no feelings
interrupting me.
But then…
If there were no feelings
there’d be no joy for me
no happiness, no lust
no excitement and no glee.
Where would we be without feelings?
We would be just shells,
whats the point in living
if we have no selves.
So perhaps I’ll go on feeling
and go on day to day
just living with emotions
in my very own special way.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Ode to a wasp
I see you buzzing quickly by
looking for your food.
I promise you I have nothing,
nothing that tastes good.
So keep on quickly buzzing by
and carry on your way,
and please resist the urge to sting
we’ll both have a better day
looking for your food.
I promise you I have nothing,
nothing that tastes good.
So keep on quickly buzzing by
and carry on your way,
and please resist the urge to sting
we’ll both have a better day
Thursday, 8 October 2009
The Diamond
The police combed the whole house, all 9 bedrooms, the ballroom and other public rooms, even the kitchen which Anne was certain Mary had not been near during her visit. Mary had treated the house like a hotel which, despite its size and grandeur, it most certainly was not. Anne had worked hard to be in the position to acquire such a house and she couldn’t help but wonder why it was now, and not five years ago when she lived in a small flat in Glasgow’s west end, that her old university friend Mary should choose to visit. The diamonds had been brought, ostensibly to wear when dancing in the ballroom although there was no occasion for this and Anne suspected a more superficial reasoning.
They had dressed for dinner as Mary claimed not to would be a waste. Anne quietly agreed and relished the opportunity to show off not only her new Versace dress but her grand dining room while suspecting that Mary would have in any case steamrollered any objections. The large house was mostly just that, large, not particularly different from any other Victorian mansion in the Scottish countryside. High ceilings, sash windows, creakings and groanings of the woodwork and pipes as they heated or cooled. The dining room was different. It still had high ceilings, sash windows and creaks and groans but it also was the only room in the house to have retained many of its original features. The wood paneling around the walls to waist height, the arts and crafts beaten copper hearth at the grand marble fireplace, the immense chandelier that hung over the centre of the grand oak dining table (at which twelve people could sit comfortably, or so the estate agent had informed Anne) a little too low so Anne imagined it would obscure the faces of several of your dining companions. The room also had a large dresser at the side of the room which was made for the house when it had been built. It was largely empty as Anne lived alone and with infrequent company she had made do with a plain white dinner set and an elegant old tea set she had had since she was student. She had told friends at university that it was her mothers old set but really she had picked it up in a charity shop on a whim. She still couldn’t fully explain why it had attracted her attention but it fitted in the dresser perfectly and gave her a strange thrill to see it in such a grand setting.
As they had come down to dinner Anne and Mary had looked each other over with no embarrassment before commenting on everything from their hair styles to their shoes. There was one thing however that left Anne feeling slightly breathless.
The necklace was huge and sparkling and Anne noticed the sparkle before paying closer attention and realizing that it was made up of a delicate white gold chain with a large tear drop which nestled in Mary’s cleavage. The tear drop had within it a huge 9 carat circular diamond beneath a cluster of smaller but still brilliant stones. This spectacular necklace had been teamed with a low cut wrap around plain black dress which left the jewels to capture the eye and hold it. Anne was not unadorned herself as she wore a long black silk evening dress with a delicate silver pendant with a tiny blue topaz at its centre. They both looked spectacular but there was no doubt that Mary’s necklace was the star of the evening.
Anne had hired caterers so they could relax and be waited on in the manner that the house expected and they were prompt and efficient in serving the delicious three course meal with copious amounts of accompanying wine. The meal was relaxed and jovial as the ladies, who were both now in their early thirties, reverted to chatting like the teenagers that they had been. Anne told Mary about her latest beau, but not in great detail as she was mostly happier on her own than when she was tied to a man.
Mary told Anne of her ex-husband who had bullied her and stolen her money until she could take it no more and had left him to reinvent herself as someone more akin to the girl Anne had known. As the wine flowed the conversation became more intimate as Mary spoke of the genuine fear that she still had of the man who had so dominated her recent years. The necklace was one of the only remaining items she had left from her grandmother who had originally left her a multitude of gems and treasures. Despite Mary and her husband both earning a good living he had still sold most of these and Mary had no clue where the money had gone or even if he still had it. The divorce had not been the end. The one date Mary had attempted since her divorce had ended in disaster when Mark, the ex, turned up at the restaurant and started throwing punches in every direction. He was arrested and once again said he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. For the last time, she promised herself, Mary dropped the charges against him although she could do nothing about the charges leveled by the restaurant or her date who she had not seen since.
Once the caterers left the house Anne and Mary gravitated once again to the library in which, despite the late summer warmth outside, still had a fire laid – ready to light - in the hearth in front of two enormous comfy armchairs. Anne put a match to the paper to take the chill out the room and poured yet more wine for them both.
It was about 8am when Anne awoke in the chair which she had sat in the previous evening. Her mouth tasted like a small rodent had made it a nest and her back was stiff from the position in which she had been sleeping. The fire had died but she could still make out the glow of an ember amid the ash. She cautiously stood up and stretched out her tired muscles as she worked out that she had been sleeping on the chair for only a few hours. Her head was muggy and her thoughts slow and distracted by the growing feeling of nausea rising in her gut. Going to the bathroom at the top of the central staircase she hurriedly brushed teeth, undressed and popped into a lukewarm shower for moments before hurrying to her room wrapped in a small rough towel. She was just pulling on her jeans when she heard a cry from downstairs. Rushing down Anne pulled on a t-shirt then thrust her hair back in a quick twist.
She could hear movements when she got to the library.
‘Mary?’ she called cautiously.
‘Anne,’ came the strained response ‘I can’t find my necklace’ the panic in her tone was clear as she searched the room in which they had slept. ‘Have you seen it?’ her voice almost begged for a positive response.
‘No, I’ll help you look’ said Anne as she began to pick cushions from the furnishings and glance along the almost completely bare shelves of the library.
The police had no more luck when they searched the house and after establishing that the necklace could not be confirmed to have been seen after the caterers left they went to ask more questions of them.
By the time that Mary was ready to leave her misery at her loss was almost physical. It was not just a hangover that dulled her previously sparkling eyes and left her face looking lined and substantially older. Nor was it the hangover that led her to throw on her clothes from the previous day, an unthinkable act usually for the fastidious Mary. They had searched the whole house. The police had searched the whole house. The police were investigating. Not much more could be done.
Mary held no grudges. She knew that she had probably misplaced it but cursed herself for loosing her most precious item. As she climbed into her car hoping that she had left enough time for the alcohol to leave her system she remembered something. ‘Anne, I forgot to ask you, I know that you are a good financial adviser but how did you manage to earn enough to get this amazing house? Advise me please?’ she half joked ‘I would love to be able to afford a house half the size!’ her smile momentarily lifted her face.
‘Lucky investments’ Anne replied sharply ‘sorry, I’m feeling really rough, think I need to go back to bed’ she sighed and smiled.
Anne watched Mary drive away and re-entered the house slowly. The police had suggested that as the house had not been properly locked the night before the necklace could have been stolen by an intruder. Anne did not worry, even though she was now alone in the house. She went straight to the dining room. She opened the dresser. She clicked a small switch which released the secret drawer. Pulling out a diamond necklace she walked to the hall where a large mirror hung. Slowly she fastened it about her neck. And smiled
They had dressed for dinner as Mary claimed not to would be a waste. Anne quietly agreed and relished the opportunity to show off not only her new Versace dress but her grand dining room while suspecting that Mary would have in any case steamrollered any objections. The large house was mostly just that, large, not particularly different from any other Victorian mansion in the Scottish countryside. High ceilings, sash windows, creakings and groanings of the woodwork and pipes as they heated or cooled. The dining room was different. It still had high ceilings, sash windows and creaks and groans but it also was the only room in the house to have retained many of its original features. The wood paneling around the walls to waist height, the arts and crafts beaten copper hearth at the grand marble fireplace, the immense chandelier that hung over the centre of the grand oak dining table (at which twelve people could sit comfortably, or so the estate agent had informed Anne) a little too low so Anne imagined it would obscure the faces of several of your dining companions. The room also had a large dresser at the side of the room which was made for the house when it had been built. It was largely empty as Anne lived alone and with infrequent company she had made do with a plain white dinner set and an elegant old tea set she had had since she was student. She had told friends at university that it was her mothers old set but really she had picked it up in a charity shop on a whim. She still couldn’t fully explain why it had attracted her attention but it fitted in the dresser perfectly and gave her a strange thrill to see it in such a grand setting.
As they had come down to dinner Anne and Mary had looked each other over with no embarrassment before commenting on everything from their hair styles to their shoes. There was one thing however that left Anne feeling slightly breathless.
The necklace was huge and sparkling and Anne noticed the sparkle before paying closer attention and realizing that it was made up of a delicate white gold chain with a large tear drop which nestled in Mary’s cleavage. The tear drop had within it a huge 9 carat circular diamond beneath a cluster of smaller but still brilliant stones. This spectacular necklace had been teamed with a low cut wrap around plain black dress which left the jewels to capture the eye and hold it. Anne was not unadorned herself as she wore a long black silk evening dress with a delicate silver pendant with a tiny blue topaz at its centre. They both looked spectacular but there was no doubt that Mary’s necklace was the star of the evening.
Anne had hired caterers so they could relax and be waited on in the manner that the house expected and they were prompt and efficient in serving the delicious three course meal with copious amounts of accompanying wine. The meal was relaxed and jovial as the ladies, who were both now in their early thirties, reverted to chatting like the teenagers that they had been. Anne told Mary about her latest beau, but not in great detail as she was mostly happier on her own than when she was tied to a man.
Mary told Anne of her ex-husband who had bullied her and stolen her money until she could take it no more and had left him to reinvent herself as someone more akin to the girl Anne had known. As the wine flowed the conversation became more intimate as Mary spoke of the genuine fear that she still had of the man who had so dominated her recent years. The necklace was one of the only remaining items she had left from her grandmother who had originally left her a multitude of gems and treasures. Despite Mary and her husband both earning a good living he had still sold most of these and Mary had no clue where the money had gone or even if he still had it. The divorce had not been the end. The one date Mary had attempted since her divorce had ended in disaster when Mark, the ex, turned up at the restaurant and started throwing punches in every direction. He was arrested and once again said he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. For the last time, she promised herself, Mary dropped the charges against him although she could do nothing about the charges leveled by the restaurant or her date who she had not seen since.
Once the caterers left the house Anne and Mary gravitated once again to the library in which, despite the late summer warmth outside, still had a fire laid – ready to light - in the hearth in front of two enormous comfy armchairs. Anne put a match to the paper to take the chill out the room and poured yet more wine for them both.
It was about 8am when Anne awoke in the chair which she had sat in the previous evening. Her mouth tasted like a small rodent had made it a nest and her back was stiff from the position in which she had been sleeping. The fire had died but she could still make out the glow of an ember amid the ash. She cautiously stood up and stretched out her tired muscles as she worked out that she had been sleeping on the chair for only a few hours. Her head was muggy and her thoughts slow and distracted by the growing feeling of nausea rising in her gut. Going to the bathroom at the top of the central staircase she hurriedly brushed teeth, undressed and popped into a lukewarm shower for moments before hurrying to her room wrapped in a small rough towel. She was just pulling on her jeans when she heard a cry from downstairs. Rushing down Anne pulled on a t-shirt then thrust her hair back in a quick twist.
She could hear movements when she got to the library.
‘Mary?’ she called cautiously.
‘Anne,’ came the strained response ‘I can’t find my necklace’ the panic in her tone was clear as she searched the room in which they had slept. ‘Have you seen it?’ her voice almost begged for a positive response.
‘No, I’ll help you look’ said Anne as she began to pick cushions from the furnishings and glance along the almost completely bare shelves of the library.
The police had no more luck when they searched the house and after establishing that the necklace could not be confirmed to have been seen after the caterers left they went to ask more questions of them.
By the time that Mary was ready to leave her misery at her loss was almost physical. It was not just a hangover that dulled her previously sparkling eyes and left her face looking lined and substantially older. Nor was it the hangover that led her to throw on her clothes from the previous day, an unthinkable act usually for the fastidious Mary. They had searched the whole house. The police had searched the whole house. The police were investigating. Not much more could be done.
Mary held no grudges. She knew that she had probably misplaced it but cursed herself for loosing her most precious item. As she climbed into her car hoping that she had left enough time for the alcohol to leave her system she remembered something. ‘Anne, I forgot to ask you, I know that you are a good financial adviser but how did you manage to earn enough to get this amazing house? Advise me please?’ she half joked ‘I would love to be able to afford a house half the size!’ her smile momentarily lifted her face.
‘Lucky investments’ Anne replied sharply ‘sorry, I’m feeling really rough, think I need to go back to bed’ she sighed and smiled.
Anne watched Mary drive away and re-entered the house slowly. The police had suggested that as the house had not been properly locked the night before the necklace could have been stolen by an intruder. Anne did not worry, even though she was now alone in the house. She went straight to the dining room. She opened the dresser. She clicked a small switch which released the secret drawer. Pulling out a diamond necklace she walked to the hall where a large mirror hung. Slowly she fastened it about her neck. And smiled
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
Another silly tale this time for Miss Melville :)
His trainer squashed the flowers into the pavement outside the brightly lit and inviting restaurant. Colin was disgusted with himself. What was he thinking, getting all excited and dressed up for a blind date? As he trudged back to his flat in the rain, well it was actually dry but he felt like it should be raining, he felt the self pity build. Gill, the girl that he had set up the date with after meeting her on face book (he sent her a message after seeing her face on a mutual friends profile and that message turned into a flurry of messages between them which resulted in them setting up this date) had promised to be at the restaurant by half seven and as it was now quarter past eight he was fairly sure she had changed her mind. He was disappointed and his pride had taken a beating and so he sloped home to drink lots of beers in front of the TV and fall asleep in a pit of misery. It’s not like she was even that good looking, he kept telling himself, and he was too good for her anyway. A light was on in the flat when he got back so he knew Gemma, his flat mate, was home.
Gemma, who filled the flat with girly tassels and throws (and a throw has what purpose exactly?), was Colin’s best friend and the only one he had told about his date tonight. She had been disparaging to say the least and had slagged him for a good hour about how Gill would turn out to be a bunny boiler who read all his conversations and tracked his friends through the internet. As he reached the door he seriously thought about just heading to the pub and pretending everything had gone ok but he couldn’t face the guys tonight. Nope beer and TV it was, even if he had to put up with Gemma taking the piss.
As he came into the hall he could sense something odd about the flat. It was clean. This was extremely unusual as both Colin and Gemma were total slobs and only cleaned when parents were visiting. Oh no, not the parents! Gemma’s parents were nice enough but they were so convinced that he and Gemma were a couple they never let up with their hints about marriage and kids. Both he and Gemma found this hilarious as they had never felt that way about each other, well there had been that one night but the less said about that the better. He stepped cautiously in to the kitchen to grab a beer and scuttle to his room without Gemma and her guests noticing him and roping him in to whatever political or moral discussion they were having this evening. He was shocked to see that there was no one there, just Gemma sitting on her own at the kitchen table looking sad.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, his own troubles instantly forgotten. She looked up at him with big sad eyes and burst into tears.
‘It’s silly’ she replied looking ashamed even through her tears ‘it’s just…’ she paused looking at him as it to gauge a response. He sat beside her and took her into his arms to comfort her as she clearly needed.
‘What, what’s upset you Gems?’ he asked again as he held her tight and gently stroked her back in a calming and comforting fashion.
‘Mutt died’ she said and began her sobbing afresh. Mutt had been Gemma’s family dog for the last fourteen years, since she was at primary school; Colin knew this and held her tighter.
‘Aw honey, never mind, he was old and ill and just think of all the lovely memories you have of him scampering about’ he tried to comfort her ‘what’s with all the cleaning?’ he asked, ‘and is that a chicken in the oven?’ he couldn’t conceal his shock as neither of them had ever used the oven for anything more adventurous than a pizza. Her tears gave way to a strange choked laugh as she heard the dismay in his voice.
‘I had to clean to take my mind off it and then I went for a run and on my way back just felt like picking up a proper dinner. I don’t know why.’ Her watery smile at him made Colin feel a strange protectiveness, he hated to see Gemma upset. ‘There’s new potatoes and green beans too’ Colin’s face at this scandal was finally enough to stop the tears and make Gemma laugh out loud. He looked like someone had slapped him.
‘Vegetables?’ he asked in a hushed tone ‘I don’t know what to say’ he said looking truly astounded that such a thing could happen in his flat, the vitamin free zone. Gemma laughed again at Colin’s dramatic reaction to her cooking.
‘Will you join me?’ she smiled at him ‘I could use the company’ as he released her from his bear hug he smiled back and nodded.
As they sat at the table having a very different sort of dinner than the one which Colin had expected to be having, the relaxed chatter and flow of wine (also purchased by previously exclusive beer drinker Gemma) left them both feeling relaxed and Colin at least was ridiculously happy. What better way to spend an evening than with a friend with no ulterior motives or designs on you. He had recovered from the shock of the cleaning and cooking rather well he thought as he offered to wash the dishes and Gemma took a turn at drying. The conversation was light and flowed as easily as the wine as they moved through to the living room, moving aside books and maps from the couch so they could sit down. So the cleaning frenzy hadn’t reached the living room then Colin mused. As they were relaxing into the soft cushions Colin started as Gemma leapt to her feet.
‘Pudding!’ she said dramatically ‘I can’t believe I almost forgot!’ and ran into the kitchen. Colin smiled to himself as he wondered what decadent treat Gemma had bought to finish off her healthy meal. She came back into the living room furtively with something held behind her back. Colin looked at Gemma’s face which was full of mischief and wondered what on earth she was hiding.Colin took a mouthful of wine and choked on it as she handed him a banana
Gemma, who filled the flat with girly tassels and throws (and a throw has what purpose exactly?), was Colin’s best friend and the only one he had told about his date tonight. She had been disparaging to say the least and had slagged him for a good hour about how Gill would turn out to be a bunny boiler who read all his conversations and tracked his friends through the internet. As he reached the door he seriously thought about just heading to the pub and pretending everything had gone ok but he couldn’t face the guys tonight. Nope beer and TV it was, even if he had to put up with Gemma taking the piss.
As he came into the hall he could sense something odd about the flat. It was clean. This was extremely unusual as both Colin and Gemma were total slobs and only cleaned when parents were visiting. Oh no, not the parents! Gemma’s parents were nice enough but they were so convinced that he and Gemma were a couple they never let up with their hints about marriage and kids. Both he and Gemma found this hilarious as they had never felt that way about each other, well there had been that one night but the less said about that the better. He stepped cautiously in to the kitchen to grab a beer and scuttle to his room without Gemma and her guests noticing him and roping him in to whatever political or moral discussion they were having this evening. He was shocked to see that there was no one there, just Gemma sitting on her own at the kitchen table looking sad.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, his own troubles instantly forgotten. She looked up at him with big sad eyes and burst into tears.
‘It’s silly’ she replied looking ashamed even through her tears ‘it’s just…’ she paused looking at him as it to gauge a response. He sat beside her and took her into his arms to comfort her as she clearly needed.
‘What, what’s upset you Gems?’ he asked again as he held her tight and gently stroked her back in a calming and comforting fashion.
‘Mutt died’ she said and began her sobbing afresh. Mutt had been Gemma’s family dog for the last fourteen years, since she was at primary school; Colin knew this and held her tighter.
‘Aw honey, never mind, he was old and ill and just think of all the lovely memories you have of him scampering about’ he tried to comfort her ‘what’s with all the cleaning?’ he asked, ‘and is that a chicken in the oven?’ he couldn’t conceal his shock as neither of them had ever used the oven for anything more adventurous than a pizza. Her tears gave way to a strange choked laugh as she heard the dismay in his voice.
‘I had to clean to take my mind off it and then I went for a run and on my way back just felt like picking up a proper dinner. I don’t know why.’ Her watery smile at him made Colin feel a strange protectiveness, he hated to see Gemma upset. ‘There’s new potatoes and green beans too’ Colin’s face at this scandal was finally enough to stop the tears and make Gemma laugh out loud. He looked like someone had slapped him.
‘Vegetables?’ he asked in a hushed tone ‘I don’t know what to say’ he said looking truly astounded that such a thing could happen in his flat, the vitamin free zone. Gemma laughed again at Colin’s dramatic reaction to her cooking.
‘Will you join me?’ she smiled at him ‘I could use the company’ as he released her from his bear hug he smiled back and nodded.
As they sat at the table having a very different sort of dinner than the one which Colin had expected to be having, the relaxed chatter and flow of wine (also purchased by previously exclusive beer drinker Gemma) left them both feeling relaxed and Colin at least was ridiculously happy. What better way to spend an evening than with a friend with no ulterior motives or designs on you. He had recovered from the shock of the cleaning and cooking rather well he thought as he offered to wash the dishes and Gemma took a turn at drying. The conversation was light and flowed as easily as the wine as they moved through to the living room, moving aside books and maps from the couch so they could sit down. So the cleaning frenzy hadn’t reached the living room then Colin mused. As they were relaxing into the soft cushions Colin started as Gemma leapt to her feet.
‘Pudding!’ she said dramatically ‘I can’t believe I almost forgot!’ and ran into the kitchen. Colin smiled to himself as he wondered what decadent treat Gemma had bought to finish off her healthy meal. She came back into the living room furtively with something held behind her back. Colin looked at Gemma’s face which was full of mischief and wondered what on earth she was hiding.Colin took a mouthful of wine and choked on it as she handed him a banana
Thursday, 21 August 2008
A light hearted tale just for my sister who thinks my writing is too dark :)
Rainbows and Monkeys and Lollipops.
As Rachel left her flat to go out for night, sucking happily on a lollipop she wondered where they would go. Would they just go to a restaurant or maybe the pub or would he be up for a dance at a club? She wasn’t sure but excitement filled her as she wandered leisurely through the gardens that neatly connected her house to the main street. She was early. The excitement filled her as she took in the summer evening and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the inner city greenery. Her heart seemed to beat faster as she pondered how she had found herself here. Scott, her friend for almost 4 years, had just admitted shyly that he had always thought that she was one of the loveliest, most talented and most attractive of all his fellow psychology students. She was taken aback at first as she had always thought of him as merely a friend but once she had time to think about it…
So now she meandered slowly smelling the roses which grew on either side of the carefully tended path and watching the other people walking, sitting and playing on the grass. A pretty rainbow caught her eye as it seemed to frame the gate of the park where they were meant to meet. She was still too early but felt a jolt in her stomach as she realized that he was already there, even earlier than she was.
‘Hi’ she said nervously before shaking herself out of it, reminding herself that this was still Scott, lovely, friendly Scott and even if he did look sexier than she had ever noticed before he wasn’t a stranger. He looked different though as he was wearing a smart well tailored suit which complimented her light summer dress perfectly. Effort had obviously been taken by both of them for this evening.
‘Hi’ smiled Scott and he shuffled from foot to foot reminding Rachel that he was new to this too. How do we go from friends to dating? She wondered as he shyly took her hand. ‘I thought we would go for dinner at a little restaurant just round the corner. Is that ok?’ he furrowed his brow concernedly at her even as she smiled and nodded inexplicably moved by his consideration.
As they settled down at their table near the window he pulled something out of his jacket pocket. ‘I bought you something’ he grinned at her and placed a small stuffed monkey on the table.
‘Thank you’ laughed Rachel back as she was gently reminded that this was her friend Scott who knew her so well. They spent the meal laughing and discussing their plans now uni was finally over but it was subtly different to earlier meetings as they frequently touched knees which sent unfamiliar feelings surging over both of them.
When they left the restaurant it was dusk and colder than when they had arrived. Scott gently placed his jacket over Rachel’s shoulders before titling her head towards him and gently lowering his lips to hers….
As Rachel left her flat to go out for night, sucking happily on a lollipop she wondered where they would go. Would they just go to a restaurant or maybe the pub or would he be up for a dance at a club? She wasn’t sure but excitement filled her as she wandered leisurely through the gardens that neatly connected her house to the main street. She was early. The excitement filled her as she took in the summer evening and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the inner city greenery. Her heart seemed to beat faster as she pondered how she had found herself here. Scott, her friend for almost 4 years, had just admitted shyly that he had always thought that she was one of the loveliest, most talented and most attractive of all his fellow psychology students. She was taken aback at first as she had always thought of him as merely a friend but once she had time to think about it…
So now she meandered slowly smelling the roses which grew on either side of the carefully tended path and watching the other people walking, sitting and playing on the grass. A pretty rainbow caught her eye as it seemed to frame the gate of the park where they were meant to meet. She was still too early but felt a jolt in her stomach as she realized that he was already there, even earlier than she was.
‘Hi’ she said nervously before shaking herself out of it, reminding herself that this was still Scott, lovely, friendly Scott and even if he did look sexier than she had ever noticed before he wasn’t a stranger. He looked different though as he was wearing a smart well tailored suit which complimented her light summer dress perfectly. Effort had obviously been taken by both of them for this evening.
‘Hi’ smiled Scott and he shuffled from foot to foot reminding Rachel that he was new to this too. How do we go from friends to dating? She wondered as he shyly took her hand. ‘I thought we would go for dinner at a little restaurant just round the corner. Is that ok?’ he furrowed his brow concernedly at her even as she smiled and nodded inexplicably moved by his consideration.
As they settled down at their table near the window he pulled something out of his jacket pocket. ‘I bought you something’ he grinned at her and placed a small stuffed monkey on the table.
‘Thank you’ laughed Rachel back as she was gently reminded that this was her friend Scott who knew her so well. They spent the meal laughing and discussing their plans now uni was finally over but it was subtly different to earlier meetings as they frequently touched knees which sent unfamiliar feelings surging over both of them.
When they left the restaurant it was dusk and colder than when they had arrived. Scott gently placed his jacket over Rachel’s shoulders before titling her head towards him and gently lowering his lips to hers….
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Wrecked
As she walked through the deserted streets the moon helped to light the way as the gloomy streetlights did not. Her head held high she promised herself that she wouldn’t cry until she got there. The only problem with that was that she wasn’t sure where there was!
***
***
As he had begun to pack his things to leave she had stood in the corner holding her arms round herself as if to stop her insides from spilling out. He wouldn’t look at her and she didn’t blame him. How could she tell him, now, after the fights and that sad final decision to go their separate ways that she was pregnant with his child.
She held that information like a barrier between them until she could watch him extricating his life from hers no more and had left without a word.
She did not care that she had not lifted her bag as she left, nor her keys to get back in, after all, why would she want to?
She saw no-one. She saw nothing except the moon guiding her onwards towards who knows where.
***
Here! Was this it? She looked about her and for the first time took in her surroundings. She was at the top of a hill next to an observatory. The circular viewing platform on which she was standing had a spectacular view of the stars in the clear night sky and over the town whose street lights seemed brighter from up here. At last she felt able to cry and the tears she had been holding back leapt silently from her eyes. Her arms, rigid about her all this time relaxed and dropped to her sides. The grief came in waves as she pictured all the things she regretted. He was leaving and they had been so happy, so happy, but now it was over. They had agreed that it had to be. For the last few months all they had seemed to do was fight. They always made up but the fighting had taken its toll on them both and now he had met someone else and was leaving her, and their fights, for the more exciting and tolerable, new relationship.
The only problem was, the baby! Their baby. She imagined how difficult life would be for her and the baby and wondered how on earth she was to tell him. She could imagine his response.
‘Why now,’ he would shout angrily ‘are you trying to trap me?’
They had reached a place where they were quite civilized towards one another but this news would surely change all that as they would revert to arguing and recriminations. She looked at the stone walls that circled the platform she was standing on and walked over to one of the spaces in the crenellations. Resting her hands on the cool waist high stone she stood looking out over the town and let herself sob. She felt the pain that her baby would have at not having a father keenly but she had reached a decision. He would never know. He couldn’t. It would make the situation impossible. They would have to see each other and he would want to be in his baby’s life. Selfishly she didn’t want that. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do but since they had broken up before she knew…
The Walk - a short story
As I stared out at the rain I felt strangely satisfied that the weather so aptly mirrored my mood. Now if it would only frost it would really match my bitter and twisted feelings. Annoyed with the reluctance of the weather to co-operate, I left the comfort of my warm living room with its many paintings and treasures that had once meant so much and went out in the rain pausing only to call the dog.
‘Toby!’ I called and within a breath he had trotted out happily to join me in a good soaking.
The rain ran down my face within seconds of leaving my warm refuge which was oddly cleansing as it washed the signs of grief from my face. The anger I felt was not so easily dissipated. My little west highland terrier ran along on his short legs to keep up with my seething stride his tail waging in frantic excitement at this new game. As my thoughts spiraled I wondered when I had started to feel so angry.
Was it the moment when Matthew had left me or was it when Sophie had announced that she was taking a year out of University in order to work in a South African orphanage. I had never felt so alone and yet selfish as I knew the work she was doing was invaluable and possibly helpful for her future career. I walked further away from the safety of my home, which had once been full of love and laughter and was now eerily quiet. The wood into which I was walking seemed like the opposite of my barren home. Life teemed in the trees and the undergrowth as I caught sight of darting birds and tiny indescribable rodents scurrying about. It was impossible to feel alone with life teeming in every direction. The life so obvious around me cheered me as nothing had for weeks.
Matthew had been ill for only days before dying of a massive heart attack. Sophie and I had clung together for those days and the time after it but it seemed to me that she was able to pick up the pieces of her life more easily than I. My life had been Matthew and Sophie since our wedding almost twenty five years ago and Sophie’s birth just over twenty. We had been the classic happy family with few fallings out. My mother had warned me about how my life had been caught up in the pair of them.
‘Matthew can’t live forever and Sophie has her own life to lead! You should have more for just you!’ she had chided but I knew now that these angry feelings were because I had ignored her advice. I had taken care of Sophie, even doing her washing when she came home for uni holidays for twenty years and her father since I had met him. Now they had both left me and I wasn’t sure who I was angrier at. Them for leaving me all alone, my mother, for being right, or with myself.
I noticed that the rain had stopped and I realized that I was standing by the river at the end of the heavily wooded path from my countryside haven. Or such it had been once. I thought of the many times we had walked as a family with Toby and our previous family dogs down here and along the river bank watching for wildlife and enjoying the sun shine. The weather was once again seemingly echoing my mood as the sun broke through the clouds and lit parts of the fast moving swollen river as if by spotlights. I briefly toyed with the thought of throwing myself in to the pulsating water but Toby would be left alone without me to take care of him and I wouldn’t inflict that on my poor dog. Besides I was a very good swimmer and so I doubted it would be enough to do anything other than make me wetter.
The sun spread out making the spots into blotches and the blotches into patches until eventually the parts of the river not lit by sun shine were the smaller. The warmth spread through me and I felt for the first time something akin to peace. Where had the anger gone I wondered. Perhaps it had dispersed with my fast moving thoughts as I had begun to formulate a plan. I needed a job. I was trained for nothing but as I thought of the things I enjoyed most I realized that there was something I could do.
Matthew and I had loved searching for paintings and treasures in antique fairs and shops and occasionally picked up a find on the internet. I would sit around feeling sorry for myself no longer. Sophie was not gone like Matthew but would want to come and visit her loving mother not a sobbing mess. I stood up straighter and suddenly noticed the time. I had been standing on the river bank for almost an hour. Dwelling on the past was another thing that would have to stop. I was luckier than a lot of people to have had a husband who loved me even if it was only for what seemed a brief time. I felt a wave of shame as I thought of what he would say if he could see me.
‘What’s all this? Can’t live without me eh?’ he would joke, ‘I always said I was like a God to you!’ I could almost hear the jibe with his trademark sarcastic humour. I surprised myself then by feeling a smile spread across my face and a strange lightness fill my heart. I felt myself unable to stop myself from replying out loud.
‘You weren’t that great. At least I don’t have to pick up your mess anymore.’ I jovially responded to the Matthew in my head.
‘What?’ I started as the voice came from behind me. Turning round I saw a man of perhaps a few years older than me sitting at an easel and painting.
‘Sorry, I didn’t know you were there. I was… talking to someone else, me I think’ I wasn’t sure why I was trying to explain this to a stranger but it seemed natural and I felt like I was unable to move from the river that had been the source of my epiphany.
I smiled. ‘What are you painting?’ I asked in order to change the subject.
‘You’ he said quietly and then correctly read the confusion and anger building in my face as I prepared to respond with accusations of sick and predatory behaviour and added ‘you just looked so lost and beautiful, and you were just standing there gazing out across the river. I’m sorry. It was an invasion of your privacy.’ He began to gather up his paints and brushes and put them into the case that was leaning by his easel. I could feel my curiosity was piqued and suddenly was more that than angry.
‘Wait.’ I said ‘can I see it, please? I’m sorry I snapped it’s just you don’t expect to find someone painting you in the middle of the countryside!’
‘Well this is the first time I’ve done this you know. I am an artist, I don’t just carry around this stuff for fun’ he smiled and beckoned me over and as I walked, finding I could move after all, I looked at him and was surprised to see that he was quite handsome with thick longish black hair with a fair bit of grey and sparkly blue eyes that crinkled at the sides when he smiled. He stood back to let me look at his work and I noticed that he was taller than me by about four inches and was significantly broader but not overweight. I caught my breath just a little as I looked at the painting that was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.
The woman, it was in no way clear that it was me, stood on the river bank looking lost in sadness as her head, crowned with long dark hair worn loose over her shoulders, sagged slightly over her chest. Her hair was whipped up by the wind and the sun light picked out various spotlights on the river and another on her left hand, where the artist had painted the ring that I still wore. Beneath this hand there was Toby sitting looking up at the woman as if she was his world. I glanced down at the dog to see that he was watching me with just that expression and commented on this in a murmur. I glanced at a tree in the painting which was standing tall and straight and youthful as it burst into bud and glanced over at the tree opposite where we stood now and was surprised to see that it was old and gnarled and bent almost horizontally overhanging the river. I looked my question to my artist friend.
‘It’s about beginnings.’ He said and I drew my eyes back to the woman and replied aloud.
‘Beginnings sound right’ I smiled. As he packed up his painting he held out his card and I was surprised to see a name I recognized on it.
Colin Muir
Sunflower studios
Will buy paintings for restoration and
commission new works on request.
Matthew and I had bought several works by Colin which hung in my living room. I told him this and he replied that he was flattered as he painted for enjoyment.
‘I can imagine nothing worse than doing a job that I didn’t love. Every painting is like a child that I have created and long for others to enjoy and take care of.’
I was not surprised by this statement as I had long felt that painting was one of the great talents to have. I only wished that I had any such talent but I knew that, apart from the odd scribble for my own enjoyment, painting and drawing were not my forte. I wondered again what my forte was. I had a sudden brainwave just as Colin was preparing to take his leave having folded up his easel and packed the newly painted canvas safely in a folder. Paintings, not the actual painting but the buying a selling aspect I would certainly enjoy.
‘I don’t suppose you need any staff?’ I asked Colin gently with a small enquiring smile on my face and was disappointed when he replied.
‘No, sorry, it’s just me and that’s how I like it.’ Then he paused as he remembered something ‘Do you like antiques?’ he asked.
I stood somewhat surprised by this apparent intrusion into my earlier thoughts ‘Yes, I do. Why?’
‘It’s just that, I have a friend who runs a little antique shop in the village and she’s looking for help. Would you be interested?’ I wondered what would possess a stranger to offer this information up on the basis of a chance meeting with someone like me. I worried for the first time about how dishevelled and unkempt I must look with my damp hair and clothes, lack of make up and yesterday’s clothes on. I hadn’t worried about my appearance since Matthew had died, just throwing things on and washing things without paying any mind to what was clean or not.
‘Yes. Yes, I would be very interested, but if you don’t mind me asking, why are you offering to help me? You don’t even know me?’ I said quietly and hesitatingly, worried about the response.
He smiled at me and said ‘Well that’s the thing.’ He gathered his belongings up and began to walk off. ‘If I help you then you will owe me one.’ He got a little further away and turned and said loudly ‘and if you owe me one, then maybe there’s a chance, even a small one, that you’ll let me take you out to dinner!’
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)