Blocked!

So today I promised I would update my blog!

A new story.

A new idea.

Or even a new poem (though my poems are just for fun as no poet am I).

Sooooooo, as happens some times my brain is blank! Having been given the advice that something is better than nothing I find myself messing about with the keyboard just to check that my fingers still work so that when the idea comes I don't have to mess about trying to unstiffen them and heat them through so they get some feeling.

I do have ideas it's juat that they are a jumble of nonsense with no coherant thread to follow! Maybe a mind map would help or jotting down some things in my notebook.

Who can say.

Maybe I shall go and try it :)

Millions of eyes

Millions of eyes all on me
as I climb to the stage,
to collect my degree.
The degree that I have worked for,
for such a long time.
The degree that I have,
at last it is mine.

I deserve every minute
of this momentous moment.
The joy and elation.
The pride and contentment
as I hold my head high
and reach for the paper
I have a satisfied sigh
and emerge thinking, later…

What’s to come now?
The world is my mollusc,
I’ll crack open the shell
with my newly found tool.
I’ve done what intended
and achieved my goal
I have my beginning
a start for this soul.

I wrote this just as I completed my degree and thought I would post it to remind myself of all i have achieved and what it was all about! The beginning, not the end :)

The dark abbey

As she stepped through the large arched doorway into the cool gloomy interior of the abbey Katy felt the chill raise the hairs on the back of her neck. As it had been gloriously bright and sunny two seconds ago as she wandered aimlessly through the town this did not surprise her.
Katy had come to Paisley to do some shopping as the small village she lived in boasted only a post office come corner shop and she was tired of buying all her clothes online. A writer by trade she rarely left the large desk chair by her computer and lived most of her life through her characters but today something had made her long for the sound of other people. She had showered and pulled on jeans and proper shoes, feeling her usual bare feet would be less than comfortable on the hot paving slabs of town, hopped into her car and drove the 12 miles or so to the town centre. Parking her car in the shade of a multi storey Katy headed to the shops where the rudeness of the assistants reminded her of why she preferred online shopping. She then had a gentle stroll in the sun and pondered her afternoons work. Her latest story, an adventurous romance, was teetering on the brink of becoming convoluted and nonsensical if she did not restrain her main characters. Her eye had been caught by the large Gothic façade of the Abbey and she realised that in the thirteen years she had been living near Paisley never once had she seen inside this large building, despite its being one of the oldest in the area.
She entered slowly relishing the change in temperature as the sun had begun to burn her shoulders and the bag she carried rubbed her right painfully. It was quiet within the dark walls, the rows of seats empty and no one in sight. Katy stepped lightly over the slabs in the floor engraved with names and dates so distant from today. She gazed up at the light dancing playfully through the multicoloured windows that pictured scenes she did not recognize from her atheist upbringing. Sunlight dappled the floor where she stood but no warmth seemed to penetrate the building as coolness emanated from the stone floor and walls. Katy listened for any noises and was surprised to realise that she could not hear anything, not even from outside.
Katy walked slowly around the interior walls of the Abbey admiring the stone work, the intricate carvings upon the choir, the windows and even the tombstones and wondered inwardly why this beautiful place was not filled with tourists like a similar building in Glasgow or Edinburgh would have been. Perhaps it was just that people did not know it was there she mused as she rested herself on a pew deep in the shadows at the back of the central passageway.
The lack of noise was just beginning to make Katy feel uneasy when the noise of footsteps echoed through the church. Sinking deeper into the shadows to allow this new visitor the same sense of wonder and solitude that she had enjoyed she felt grateful for her long dark hair and subdued clothing which allowed her to camouflage herself so effectively.

“Did you get it?” a guttural voice came from a little doorway that Katy had not noticed before and a man emerged from what looked like a spiral staircase on the left of the choir. Two sets of feet came together at the front of the choir where Katy imagined the minister would stand during a service.

“Of course I fucking got it! What do you pay me for” a small package changed hands.

Katy slipped herself further down in her chair suddenly feeling like she had inadvertently witnessed something that no one was meant to see.

“Did anyone see you?” the first voice asked, Katy could see now that it belonged to a small slight man whose face was illuminated by a random splash of light. His face looked pointed and mean but intelligent also.

“No of course not, I’m the best in the business of course no one saw me!” the second man boasted.

A shot rang out, echoing around the hollow emptiness of the previously silent arena. The second man fell silently to the ground and Katy could see a darker shadow spreading out like wings beneath him. The first man looked at his fallen friend and smiled as he tucked the package out of sight along with the small handgun which Katy had not noticed before. She was frozen to her chair, hoping madly that he would not look up and see her sitting there, a witness to his crime. After all if one death did not matter to him another would make no odds.

The sound of running footsteps came to Katy and the man at the same time as she saw his disappear back up the staircase from which he had so quickly emerged and gently close the door on his way. It was only seconds before the owner of the rushing feet entered the Abbey through the side door and came to an abrupt halt in front of the still warm body. Wheeling about a young minister ran back the way he had come shouting for someone to call the police and that someone was hurt.

Katy pondered what she had seen and wondered what she should do. The right thing was of course to tell the police everything but the temptation to sneak out, be on her way and pretend she had seen nothing was great. That way no-one would know what she had seen and she would be in no danger. Or would she. Could she get out without being seen she wondered. She slowly rose from her seat and cautiously edged towards the side aisle closest to her exit. She walked gingerly, grateful for her soft soled shoes, down the aisle trying to remove from her sight both the fallen man and the memory of his sudden demise. She was two steps from the doorway when a hand fell heavily onto her shoulder…

Nothing

Nothing is what I long to feel
no anger, no sadness
nothing that’s real,
a break from emotions
just for a day,
a break from these feelings
that wont go away

I am so tired of being lost
I’m exhausted from being alone
I am so tired of being angry
I just want to be still like a stone

A rest from this constant
feeling… just that
a break from emotions
just for a day.

They don’t seem to stop
they invade my dreams
they hurt every part
of my life.

Oh how simple it must be
to be emotion free
to have no feelings
interrupting me.

But then…

If there were no feelings
there’d be no joy for me
no happiness, no lust
no excitement and no glee.

Where would we be without feelings?
We would be just shells,
whats the point in living
if we have no selves.

So perhaps I’ll go on feeling
and go on day to day
just living with emotions
in my very own special way.

Ode to a wasp

I see you buzzing quickly by
looking for your food.
I promise you I have nothing,
nothing that tastes good.

So keep on quickly buzzing by
and carry on your way,
and please resist the urge to sting
we’ll both have a better day

The Diamond

The police combed the whole house, all 9 bedrooms, the ballroom and other public rooms, even the kitchen which Anne was certain Mary had not been near during her visit. Mary had treated the house like a hotel which, despite its size and grandeur, it most certainly was not. Anne had worked hard to be in the position to acquire such a house and she couldn’t help but wonder why it was now, and not five years ago when she lived in a small flat in Glasgow’s west end, that her old university friend Mary should choose to visit. The diamonds had been brought, ostensibly to wear when dancing in the ballroom although there was no occasion for this and Anne suspected a more superficial reasoning.
They had dressed for dinner as Mary claimed not to would be a waste. Anne quietly agreed and relished the opportunity to show off not only her new Versace dress but her grand dining room while suspecting that Mary would have in any case steamrollered any objections. The large house was mostly just that, large, not particularly different from any other Victorian mansion in the Scottish countryside. High ceilings, sash windows, creakings and groanings of the woodwork and pipes as they heated or cooled. The dining room was different. It still had high ceilings, sash windows and creaks and groans but it also was the only room in the house to have retained many of its original features. The wood paneling around the walls to waist height, the arts and crafts beaten copper hearth at the grand marble fireplace, the immense chandelier that hung over the centre of the grand oak dining table (at which twelve people could sit comfortably, or so the estate agent had informed Anne) a little too low so Anne imagined it would obscure the faces of several of your dining companions. The room also had a large dresser at the side of the room which was made for the house when it had been built. It was largely empty as Anne lived alone and with infrequent company she had made do with a plain white dinner set and an elegant old tea set she had had since she was student. She had told friends at university that it was her mothers old set but really she had picked it up in a charity shop on a whim. She still couldn’t fully explain why it had attracted her attention but it fitted in the dresser perfectly and gave her a strange thrill to see it in such a grand setting.
As they had come down to dinner Anne and Mary had looked each other over with no embarrassment before commenting on everything from their hair styles to their shoes. There was one thing however that left Anne feeling slightly breathless.
The necklace was huge and sparkling and Anne noticed the sparkle before paying closer attention and realizing that it was made up of a delicate white gold chain with a large tear drop which nestled in Mary’s cleavage. The tear drop had within it a huge 9 carat circular diamond beneath a cluster of smaller but still brilliant stones. This spectacular necklace had been teamed with a low cut wrap around plain black dress which left the jewels to capture the eye and hold it. Anne was not unadorned herself as she wore a long black silk evening dress with a delicate silver pendant with a tiny blue topaz at its centre. They both looked spectacular but there was no doubt that Mary’s necklace was the star of the evening.
Anne had hired caterers so they could relax and be waited on in the manner that the house expected and they were prompt and efficient in serving the delicious three course meal with copious amounts of accompanying wine. The meal was relaxed and jovial as the ladies, who were both now in their early thirties, reverted to chatting like the teenagers that they had been. Anne told Mary about her latest beau, but not in great detail as she was mostly happier on her own than when she was tied to a man.
Mary told Anne of her ex-husband who had bullied her and stolen her money until she could take it no more and had left him to reinvent herself as someone more akin to the girl Anne had known. As the wine flowed the conversation became more intimate as Mary spoke of the genuine fear that she still had of the man who had so dominated her recent years. The necklace was one of the only remaining items she had left from her grandmother who had originally left her a multitude of gems and treasures. Despite Mary and her husband both earning a good living he had still sold most of these and Mary had no clue where the money had gone or even if he still had it. The divorce had not been the end. The one date Mary had attempted since her divorce had ended in disaster when Mark, the ex, turned up at the restaurant and started throwing punches in every direction. He was arrested and once again said he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. For the last time, she promised herself, Mary dropped the charges against him although she could do nothing about the charges leveled by the restaurant or her date who she had not seen since.
Once the caterers left the house Anne and Mary gravitated once again to the library in which, despite the late summer warmth outside, still had a fire laid – ready to light - in the hearth in front of two enormous comfy armchairs. Anne put a match to the paper to take the chill out the room and poured yet more wine for them both.
It was about 8am when Anne awoke in the chair which she had sat in the previous evening. Her mouth tasted like a small rodent had made it a nest and her back was stiff from the position in which she had been sleeping. The fire had died but she could still make out the glow of an ember amid the ash. She cautiously stood up and stretched out her tired muscles as she worked out that she had been sleeping on the chair for only a few hours. Her head was muggy and her thoughts slow and distracted by the growing feeling of nausea rising in her gut. Going to the bathroom at the top of the central staircase she hurriedly brushed teeth, undressed and popped into a lukewarm shower for moments before hurrying to her room wrapped in a small rough towel. She was just pulling on her jeans when she heard a cry from downstairs. Rushing down Anne pulled on a t-shirt then thrust her hair back in a quick twist.
She could hear movements when she got to the library.
‘Mary?’ she called cautiously.
‘Anne,’ came the strained response ‘I can’t find my necklace’ the panic in her tone was clear as she searched the room in which they had slept. ‘Have you seen it?’ her voice almost begged for a positive response.
‘No, I’ll help you look’ said Anne as she began to pick cushions from the furnishings and glance along the almost completely bare shelves of the library.
The police had no more luck when they searched the house and after establishing that the necklace could not be confirmed to have been seen after the caterers left they went to ask more questions of them.
By the time that Mary was ready to leave her misery at her loss was almost physical. It was not just a hangover that dulled her previously sparkling eyes and left her face looking lined and substantially older. Nor was it the hangover that led her to throw on her clothes from the previous day, an unthinkable act usually for the fastidious Mary. They had searched the whole house. The police had searched the whole house. The police were investigating. Not much more could be done.
Mary held no grudges. She knew that she had probably misplaced it but cursed herself for loosing her most precious item. As she climbed into her car hoping that she had left enough time for the alcohol to leave her system she remembered something. ‘Anne, I forgot to ask you, I know that you are a good financial adviser but how did you manage to earn enough to get this amazing house? Advise me please?’ she half joked ‘I would love to be able to afford a house half the size!’ her smile momentarily lifted her face.
‘Lucky investments’ Anne replied sharply ‘sorry, I’m feeling really rough, think I need to go back to bed’ she sighed and smiled.
Anne watched Mary drive away and re-entered the house slowly. The police had suggested that as the house had not been properly locked the night before the necklace could have been stolen by an intruder. Anne did not worry, even though she was now alone in the house. She went straight to the dining room. She opened the dresser. She clicked a small switch which released the secret drawer. Pulling out a diamond necklace she walked to the hall where a large mirror hung. Slowly she fastened it about her neck. And smiled

Another silly tale this time for Miss Melville :)

His trainer squashed the flowers into the pavement outside the brightly lit and inviting restaurant. Colin was disgusted with himself. What was he thinking, getting all excited and dressed up for a blind date? As he trudged back to his flat in the rain, well it was actually dry but he felt like it should be raining, he felt the self pity build. Gill, the girl that he had set up the date with after meeting her on face book (he sent her a message after seeing her face on a mutual friends profile and that message turned into a flurry of messages between them which resulted in them setting up this date) had promised to be at the restaurant by half seven and as it was now quarter past eight he was fairly sure she had changed her mind. He was disappointed and his pride had taken a beating and so he sloped home to drink lots of beers in front of the TV and fall asleep in a pit of misery. It’s not like she was even that good looking, he kept telling himself, and he was too good for her anyway. A light was on in the flat when he got back so he knew Gemma, his flat mate, was home.
Gemma, who filled the flat with girly tassels and throws (and a throw has what purpose exactly?), was Colin’s best friend and the only one he had told about his date tonight. She had been disparaging to say the least and had slagged him for a good hour about how Gill would turn out to be a bunny boiler who read all his conversations and tracked his friends through the internet. As he reached the door he seriously thought about just heading to the pub and pretending everything had gone ok but he couldn’t face the guys tonight. Nope beer and TV it was, even if he had to put up with Gemma taking the piss.

As he came into the hall he could sense something odd about the flat. It was clean. This was extremely unusual as both Colin and Gemma were total slobs and only cleaned when parents were visiting. Oh no, not the parents! Gemma’s parents were nice enough but they were so convinced that he and Gemma were a couple they never let up with their hints about marriage and kids. Both he and Gemma found this hilarious as they had never felt that way about each other, well there had been that one night but the less said about that the better. He stepped cautiously in to the kitchen to grab a beer and scuttle to his room without Gemma and her guests noticing him and roping him in to whatever political or moral discussion they were having this evening. He was shocked to see that there was no one there, just Gemma sitting on her own at the kitchen table looking sad.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, his own troubles instantly forgotten. She looked up at him with big sad eyes and burst into tears.
‘It’s silly’ she replied looking ashamed even through her tears ‘it’s just…’ she paused looking at him as it to gauge a response. He sat beside her and took her into his arms to comfort her as she clearly needed.
‘What, what’s upset you Gems?’ he asked again as he held her tight and gently stroked her back in a calming and comforting fashion.
‘Mutt died’ she said and began her sobbing afresh. Mutt had been Gemma’s family dog for the last fourteen years, since she was at primary school; Colin knew this and held her tighter.
‘Aw honey, never mind, he was old and ill and just think of all the lovely memories you have of him scampering about’ he tried to comfort her ‘what’s with all the cleaning?’ he asked, ‘and is that a chicken in the oven?’ he couldn’t conceal his shock as neither of them had ever used the oven for anything more adventurous than a pizza. Her tears gave way to a strange choked laugh as she heard the dismay in his voice.
‘I had to clean to take my mind off it and then I went for a run and on my way back just felt like picking up a proper dinner. I don’t know why.’ Her watery smile at him made Colin feel a strange protectiveness, he hated to see Gemma upset. ‘There’s new potatoes and green beans too’ Colin’s face at this scandal was finally enough to stop the tears and make Gemma laugh out loud. He looked like someone had slapped him.
‘Vegetables?’ he asked in a hushed tone ‘I don’t know what to say’ he said looking truly astounded that such a thing could happen in his flat, the vitamin free zone. Gemma laughed again at Colin’s dramatic reaction to her cooking.
‘Will you join me?’ she smiled at him ‘I could use the company’ as he released her from his bear hug he smiled back and nodded.

As they sat at the table having a very different sort of dinner than the one which Colin had expected to be having, the relaxed chatter and flow of wine (also purchased by previously exclusive beer drinker Gemma) left them both feeling relaxed and Colin at least was ridiculously happy. What better way to spend an evening than with a friend with no ulterior motives or designs on you. He had recovered from the shock of the cleaning and cooking rather well he thought as he offered to wash the dishes and Gemma took a turn at drying. The conversation was light and flowed as easily as the wine as they moved through to the living room, moving aside books and maps from the couch so they could sit down. So the cleaning frenzy hadn’t reached the living room then Colin mused. As they were relaxing into the soft cushions Colin started as Gemma leapt to her feet.
‘Pudding!’ she said dramatically ‘I can’t believe I almost forgot!’ and ran into the kitchen. Colin smiled to himself as he wondered what decadent treat Gemma had bought to finish off her healthy meal. She came back into the living room furtively with something held behind her back. Colin looked at Gemma’s face which was full of mischief and wondered what on earth she was hiding.Colin took a mouthful of wine and choked on it as she handed him a banana